Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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