My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
