He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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