he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
