Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
