wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
