im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
