I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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