I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
