update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
