please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The uberlube is also flammable
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
