woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
