my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
