You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
