I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
