I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
