My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
