This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
