And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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