I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize