my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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