my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Damn victory sex feels great
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
