Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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