I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
