Can Purell be used as lube?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
