So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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