my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
