Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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