Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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