Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
