your parents love me but you hate me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
this will be a night to untag.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
