if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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