We won't sleep together?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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