I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize