You work out of a Hotel?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
