I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
