Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
