We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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