It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You made out with two different species that night
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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