After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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