I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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