I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
