I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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