i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
