I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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