And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
