his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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