listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
