I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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