You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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