I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
