I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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