do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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