I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
